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2015-01-12 23:35:25 by absoluteDETH

Hello gentlemen, women, and degenerates.

Did I really neglect to post for so long?

I mean, it's not important to many other people, but I seriously meant to post on this thing.

God damn.

I've fallen out of any sort of working schedule. Again. Not that it's important or anything, but it really makes me feel great when I set out to do something that I think's gonna be cool, and then fall directly on my face when it comes to accomplishing it.

But it's not my fault, my depression hasn't improved.

Maybe that IS my fault, though.

I should stop arguing with myself.


Okay, so my therapy stuff isn't helping much. The therapist asks me the same questions for an hour every visit, and usually cuts it off short anyway. Not getting any insight here. I understand the logic behind it, getting me to set an inquest into my thoughts by myself, but I've been with these fucking thoughts for a year and a half and I've gone down every path I can take with them. I should actually get to work on something, maybe kick my lazy ass into gear so I can prove that I'm not worthless.

Anyway, there's the mental status part of this post. (I've somehow gotten a format. Imagine that.)

"If you think I care, you are sadly mistaken."

If you don't care and took the time to read my post, you yourself are sad.

"It's good that you think of yourself as worthless, because you are."

Being worthless is in of itself a trait that has worth in today's world, it's just not something that I like.

"Oh, so you don't like yourself?"

That much has been made clear.

"You're a shitsquid."

And you're a dickchicken.

My sleeping pills aren't kicking in, but this is around that time. Before anyone asks, no one asks those questions to me, I'm just insanely critical of myself, and like to check my own logic at times. I'm thinking this is gonna be the closing thoughts segment from now on. Speaking of thoughts, these nights where the pills don't work leave me suprisingly lucid.

I should start working when I feel like this.



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2015-01-14 22:59:18

It's truly a shame that you among many others suffer from the devouring mental disease know as depression. More than 1/10th of all the people alive suffer from depression at some point in their life. You're very young, as are many that have the same issue. One needs to understand that depression is in fact a real illness, and not just simple feelings of self-hatred and misery. Sadness and depression are as far apart as the earth from the clouds.

I know several (probably more than you'd imagine) people who are depressed, or (listen carefully) have been. I happen to know a lot of psychology too, and though I've never been depressed myself, I believe myself to be speaking from experience.

Depression works differently for everybody. In a way, it's personal... Not everyone experiences it in exactly the same way, and not everyone overcomes it in the same way either.
Living through depression is a constant struggle, and overcoming it won't be accomplished with some miracle cure, nor by going to therapists a few times. Friends can be helpful, but they can seldom alone help you part with your mental disorder. It's a ladder, with many loose steps along the way. Some (or maybe most) people never get rid of it completely, but instead learn to live with it and ignore it, by distractions. Some people get creative, and start creating things or writing, as a sort of coping, always distracting themselves with work or something else.

There are several different stages of depression too. The deeper you're in, the more difficult to climb out of it. Luckily, the amount of stages doesn't necessarily corralate too much with the amout of time you've been depressed, although certain numbness may arise.

I couldn't possibly tell you what stage you're in, as it's so easy to hide, especially via the internet. You have an interesting kind of self-loathing humor, that much I can see, though it might work as a sort of sarcastic coping mechanism, manly for yourself.

At least you've already passed the first hurdle; you're aware that you're depressed. There's a ridiculous amount of people that aren't even avare of that fact, which makes it so much more difficult.

As cheesy as it might sound, I believe that while seeking help seems the first option (I recommend trying several different therapists [with different educations too!]), sometimes it's best to try to think out things by yourself too. I don't mean you should just wish your depression away; that won't work. Depression isn't really beaten by logic, usually. You need to give it time, and find your own way of coping. In a way, it's lucky that you're young. You depression might be partly related to your stage of life. I don't think you'll grow out of it entirely, but ageing might help.

I know a guy who overcame his depression by increasing his belief in himself... By improving his body image; he started working out, until he was happy with himself. That was his way of overcoming the disease. He still works out to this day, and depression is slowly becoming but a horrible memory (he was quite lucky in some ways).

This, is most likely not your way to get rid of depression. I just wanted to give you an idea of how it has in fact been done. The bothering thing with depression is that you don't really always know why you're depressed. For some reason, you just are :(
Thus, it's not as easy as finding the issue and fixing it. It'll probably not hurt to analyze yourself and find what you like don't like/why do you feel so bad about yourself?.
Because you're depressed, you might just find that you hate everything about yourself at first, but we both know that's an illogical lie created by the disease. Try to be objective while doing this, and ignoring that little devil in your head :P

Try to laugh, find something you enjoy. This will in fact (though not everyone notices it), increase your mood, even in the darkest hour. If you can laugh, you can live. If you can't, then learn.

These are all just examples of things you can do though. You must find your own solution, and remember to give it TIME, and remember NEVER to give up. Never. I can't stress that enough.

I notice you're having sleep related issues as well. That is not as all uncommon, if fact it's very normal. Are you using simple melatonin boost pills, or actual sleeping pills?
Additions of melatonin are pretty harmless, but sleeping pills may leave you addicted. That shouldn't be your greatest worry at the moment though.

Try not to get too many other lasting symptoms from depression. I'm certain you'll overcome it at some point, but it can leave lasting trust issues with some people, and they can end up becoming control freaks, which is not the best way to get out of it (better than nothing though)...

Every now and then, people fall back into depression, and for some it's chronic. That shouldn't discourage you too much. If you can get out once, you can get out twice. My point is that you might try looking at your future, but not with horror and emptiness, I mean with reasim.

Sadly, my characters are running out. Feel free to PM me anytime! ;)

absoluteDETH responds:

I've heard many a thing like this said, and I've been trying, I really have. Some days are worse than others, and some days I actually feel normal. I've been doing the drawing and stuff to help work out any feelings I have, as I think music and the arts are the best way of doing so. I'll stay in touch.